Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Tuesday, June 8th, 1976

Although I slept late and then spent much of the day working on FF or watching TV, IT still happened this afternoon. As much as I hate to admit it, they're right about Spring...or did I say that already the other day?

I'm 17 and while I've been attracted to about a dozen girls only twice has it been as a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of thing and the last time was five years ago. I've done many things that few people have done by my age and I know many things that most of my peers don't on many subjects. As I've lamented before, though, I view life as an outsider. I never played much sports, I've had fewer and fewer close friends as the years have gone by, I've never cared for amusement park rides and now I feel like I've completely missed out on teenage romance. By refusing to go along--not that I was ever really asked--I lost many friends. I need a girlfriend. I'm not even talking about sex here. I just want a pretty (to me at least) girl who likes me, isn't bad (as in drugs or something) and has at least some mutual interests. I have a defeatist attitude but I'm sure that could change if i ever saw the slightest encouragement! If I thought I had a chance. I was getting close with Constance, I think, although probably next year that will be back to square one. I am so afraid of being rejected and becoming depressed.

Stayed up til 11:30 watching Python but it wasn't funny. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood.

NOTES: The Geek's Lament. I'm smart, I'm witty, I read comics and I like old movies as much or more than current ones. Why don't girls like me? The fear of rejection and the depression became a running thing, unfortunately. I would be 23 by the time of my first real, grown-up date. Had another one later that year. Then a couple of half-hearted interactions with a girl when I was 25, then nothing until I was 29. That one I married... when I was 32...coincidentally exactly 20 years ago today.

The oddest part is that I came to have a great many female friends over the years since High School. Just this past week, we had a 27 year old young lady who had been just one of my customers a few years ago stay over while visiting from out of town. Somehow, I finally figured out how to attract women by being non-threatening. Unfortunately, sometimes a guy wants to at least feel like he's a "little" threatening. Sigh...

Seen here is a collage I made a few years ago of the most influential women in my life. My mother sits at center, my wife behind her in the red sweater with the flowers on it. I'm not going to identify the rest but all were majorly important in my life. The earliest original photo here is from 1972, the most recent from 2008. Most of these folks never actually met one another. All but three came after High School.

1 comment:

  1. I want to say I understand where you are coming from. The difference between us is that 1) I never was pressed as a young man and 2) When I went to the Army, man, everything changed for me and worrying about finding a girl was so over for me!!